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Time:10:47 pm
I have a new journal.
inebreated
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Time:08:45 pm
And I quote Phil

"In struggling to write a speech about what I value most, due to my grasping of the chance to start anew and seize the chance to drop the walls before they manifest, I had to relinquish my previous attempt to pamper my ego or treat my narcissism or whatever and try to crown myself rebel intellectual and use this opportunity to ridicule current models for speeches on work, music, culture, or individuals; not intentionally trying to hurt anyone who had chosen this path, but instead try to call attention to my taking of a new one. I just have a terrible problem with authority and people telling me how to do something. I always have to be difficult for the sake of being difficult and because with everything I do I have to attempt to cause a scene with it, just because I can. Not to be competitive, just to try and make people think, whether it’s thinking hey this kid is making some sense or hey this dork is so full of B.S.

But how I said I cared about nothing, the supposed definitive and clear thesis of what I truly value, I exaggerated to drive in my point. Anyone who says they care about nothing is either lying to sound cool or badass or tough or whatever, exemplified perfectly by trendy punk kids who just saw SLC Punk and they want anarchy, when they are obviously too dense to think about the actual concept of anarchy or nihilism or anything else that would give them a label to identify with. I have what I like to refer to as selective caring. I have the ability to constantly step back and look at the big picture, the entire scheme of things. So I look at how much something will affect me in the long run, rather than the rest of this week. Thus, all the things I see others stressing about, such as schoolwork or backstabbing friends or an annoying thing a significant other has done, and I just let them slide. Just because to me, in my scheme of things, it will pass. And I know I will overcome any supposed stressful situation and get it done because I am relaxed. I feel it is because I can learn to value nothing, and/or that which does not matter truly slide, that when I actually find something I can genuinely care about, it will mean more personally and emotionally, because I have learned to appreciate the embracing of apathy.

However, in trying to come off sounding smart, whether I’m talking out of my ass or if I truly have some substance behind what I say, I resist the idea of coming of appearing as a psuedo-intellectual as I’ve seen so many of my peers do, in a restaurant or coffee bar or whatever’s trendy, but I took an extra risk my using an assignment and a classroom as a pitiful attempt to sound intelligent and spout off big words I may or may not know the meaning of. But I didn’t want to appear that way, so I figured I’d mention the opposition of my meaning and how my words might be misinterpreted, sort of eliminating any chance of getting a skewed image of who I am. Because, to me, the meaning of the speech, it’s true intention, isn’t necessarily for everyone to get a free pass on an easy speech, talking about something they can just randomly point at in their life and say that it means a lot to them. It was more a tool to give the speakers a chance to talk about something that actually means a great deal, inadvertently letting themselves be received by people at a very true and honest level. For example, the guy on the tape talking about his dog; he genuinely and whole-heartedly loved his dog and it was obvious. A few other speakers in this class, for example Maurice, David, and Brad, did this as well. As they presented their speech, you could hear in their voice that this was something big. These were life-impacting things. They wouldn’t be the people they are now had their valued whatever’s, a stepmother, a nephew, or Kurt Vonnegut, not intercepted into their lives. I feel like, despite never talking to these people in a close, comfortable, and private environment I would usually prefer to reveal myself and to receive someone revealing himself or herself to me, that I know these people. Who they really were was ignited and revealed for everyone to appreciate. The reason I say this is because I wanted to show to my audience for this and all my future speeches the kind of person I am and how I see things, a more blatant way of approaching the values speech. Rather than let you interpret me through how I feel about something, I’d just tell you. I wanted to illustrate how I think about things to further exemplify how I could be so bold as to do a values speech about how I value nothing. I wanted to show how I very consciously listen to things and constantly question them, analyzing their validity and how much stock I should take in anything, whether it be belief, a theory or law if you will, or even how I interpret people. Hence my mention of the potential false impression one could develop due to something as seemingly trivial as choosing a speech topic that I imagine people could view as odd.

And that’s what I value. I value being to appreciate things like I previously mentioned such as speeches and genuine emotion because of my selective caring. I care about honesty and people being heartfelt because I can step back and see what I truly care about, what I truly seek and find important in everything. Like this, the experiment I conducted on myself, which I also realize sounds self-indulgent, and very well might be. But I wanted to be the very essence of what I spent the whole rambling speech leading up to. I wanted to attempt to communicate my thoughts, my obsessions, my entire being instead of silently criticizing or commenting or subtly letting hints to who I am. I wanted to present myself honestly and heartfelt, straightforward and with passion, to emphasize my true value."

Somehow, I love this....it's wonderful.
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Time:09:39 pm
Yeah, so I told my mom that I broke up with Glenn today....she seemed oddly proud of me too...
Hmm...
Something tells me I should have done that sooner?

Me:Yeah, you smell good. Just thought I'd let you know. I was excited. :-D
Mike:Thank you! I like smelling good! I try
Me:I'm glad. You have a unique smell, like non other I have smelt. I love it!
Mike:Good!

Haha. I love that kid. He really does smell good.

I'm still debating on whether or not to actually take A.P. Us History next year...Hmm.. I got the reccomendation and everything, I mean, it was so easy, my government teacher was like HELL YES. Lol. But I still don't know....I don't want to take the A.P. Exam...egh...

Mike and Bryan kept beating me on the head with balloons tonight...argh to them. Haha. But it's okay. I love 'em!

-.-
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Time:11:01 pm
I did something I never thought I would have the courage to do yesterday.
I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't happy, I tried, I really did, and no....
I thought I could wait it out, hoping that maybe things would change, and he would come around, but I realized that I didn't see that happening. I mean, I told him all those times before, I tried so hard to get him to see, I tried so hard to change myself, and I gave him so many chances...but now I feel like it meant nothing.
I guess you don't realize what you really had until you lose it.
Glenn, I hope that the next girl you find is someone who can really bring your feelings out of you. Someone who you'll show her exactly how you feel, every bit of love, and admiration. You're a wonderful guy, it's no wonder I fell in love with you. I don't truly know why or where we lost it, but we did. And I'm sorry it had to be this way, but it did. You know my reasons, I think they're good ones. But I tell you, you'll find someone else, I assure you, someone who can truly love you no matter what you do, every change you encounter, every little thing you do, I guarantee you, there will be someone who can do that so much better than I ever could. Glenn, I won't ever deny loving you, because I did, and to a point, I still do, but it's hard to be in a relationship, knowing that on the other end, there is a guy, who no matter how much he loves you, he can't seem to do the right thing. Someone who seems so unsure of themself, that they can't express their feelings at all. And that hurt me, because I felt as if, I wasn't good enough to bring out those words, and actions that I expected from you. Yes, expected. If you love me so much, then why not listen to me? Why not express how you feel? Make me know you appreciate me?
*shakes head* No...it's over. I can't do this anymore.



Goddamnit dre..I'm talking to myself.



I watched the Notebook with Victor, Kelsey, and Sean today...
Oh my god, he did the sweetest thing for her I've ever seen. We went to Kelsey's straight after school, and we walked in the door, and there was a trail of flowers leading up the stairs. I followed behind Kelsey, as she followed them, and up the stairs, in the living room, was a big stuffed teddy bear (softest thing ever), and she went into the kitchen, and Victor was standing there, waiting for her, and "Hands Down" was playing in the background. It was so sweet, and just yeah...He had his dad pick him up from school so he could go do that. I've never envied Kelsey more in my life. She is really lucky.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone, I hope you all had Valentines, and if you didn't, then you're like me, looking at your best friends, and wishing you were them.
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Time:10:08 pm


Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence



You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.





They got me so right.
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Time:10:05 pm
I was thinking...and in my perfect world....
I'm a starving artist, living in a loft apartment in the city. I have a job as a photo lab tech, or as a photographer for some sort of elegant magazine. I have a boyfriend. I don't quite know who he is, or what he looks like, but he's a damned smart and sophisticated person. My house is filled with all things artsy, bookcases filled with books about everything. Cd racks filled with bands that hardly anyone knows. A wine rack, with a few bottles of imported wine. Pillows and blankets everywhere. My kitchen has nothing but good food, sourdough bread, bottles of Fiji water, some butter, fruit, lots of pommegranites, a few jicama, pasta, assorted juices, a smoothie maker, and a toaster. (I haven't quite figured out of I want coffee yet). I have a huge collection of glasses, all shapes, all colors. (Though my house is adorned in green). My bathroom is pretty, there's candles, and good smelling stuff everywhere, and lots of towels, and soft rugs on the floor. My bedroom is pure beauty. My bed is completely white, everywhere, white sheets, white everything. And my walls are adorned in pictures I have taken, and various pieces of art I've created. The walls are painted some good, earthy color, or perhaps a jade green. There isn't a digital clock in sight (I'm hoping they have analog alarm clocks somewhere???)
Ahh yes, I have a car. I think it's a red car. Something small. Maybe a BMW. With a nice sound system, because I love car rides, with loud music that I love.

Damn....this better actually happen to me....I give myself until I am 25. If it doesn't become true by then, I won't ever come true.

God...I'm neurotic.
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Subject:My comments with Brian on last years State of the Union address:
Time:01:09 pm
Twicks7910: now he is talking about profesional sports
RamyasFangs: (hes saying all this sports shit about "performance enhancing drugs" just so he can make them more available to himself cuz mrs. bush doesnt seem too happy lately...*ahem*)
Twicks7910: hahaha
Twicks7910: HAHAHAHA
Twicks7910: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Twicks7910: good one


Twicks7910: YAY ALMOST OVER
RamyasFangs: JOY!!!
RamyasFangs: *stands up and claps*
RamyasFangs: YAY
Twicks7910: WHOO
Twicks7910: KEGGER AT THE WHITE HOUSE
RamyasFangs: HELLS YEAH!!! lol
RamyasFangs: get the president drunk, and convince him to resign for *dishonest causes*.
Twicks7910: with bands (on the white house lawn) Rule 22, Anti Flag, NOFX, Rise Against
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Time:06:13 pm
I really want a mother fucking water cooler for my room. Lol.. I have a caraffe for it, but I have to refill that thing to quick.

I'm going insane.
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Time:11:52 am
"it is very important not to let your emotions get the better of you these days. you have many things to do, after all. you are a very busy animal and you don't have the time to waste on such childishness like openly weeping at the reality of what your life has become. it is a well-documented fact that appearing emotional in front of your peers and competitors is a sign of WEAKNESS. so take your pills and go get 'em, tiger."
-Mike.
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Time:04:43 pm
"Revenge is sweet, and not fattening" - Alfred Hitchcock
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